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Backpass 9-22-15: I mean, I can't even

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I made a great turkey-avocado-tomato sandwich at the half. Otherwise, that was an absolutely terrible 90 minutes.

Dan Hamilton-USA TODAY Sports

Saturday, 11:32 am, My basement

(Sees lineup for Toronto FC vs Colorado Rapids)


Thought: Hmm. Luis Solignac in for Kevin Doyle. -> Oy.

Dillon Serna and Dillon Powers and Vicente Sanchez. -> Great!

Lucas Pittinari matching up against Michael Bradley/Sebastian Giovinco. -> Uh oh.


(Sees Giovinco with the ball, first 10 minutes.)


Thought: Gee. They seem to be giving him an awful lot of space.

(First goal, 14', Giovinco)


Arggh! What the hell? OK. Just one goal. Just one goal.


But hey! Why does Gio still have so much space?

(Second goal, 18' Giovinco)


Thought: [Swear word. Swear word. Compound swear word. Sudden realization 5 year old is next to me]


"Abba, why are you so upset? And what was that word you said?"


*Calms down*


What is Pittinari doing? Why isn't Pablo having the defensive mids man-mark Giovinco? Is Pablo giving defensive directions the players don't follow? Or does he have some other brilliant plan I'm not privy to? Or is he an idiot?


Why does Gio have so much space? Again?


(Third goal, 38' Perquis)


*Wave of sadness*


Hapless. Clueless. Season is over. With five games to go. Too soon to play all the kids and test out possible lineups, since they aren't mathematically eliminated. But nothing left to play for. That's crushing. What the hell do I write about? There's no way I'm going to do a tactical breakdown of this fiasco. How many times have I already written about our tactical failures? (Checks results map). Sixteen. Sixteen times I've broken down a loss so far. Let's see. There's: ‘we played unimaginative desperate route one soccer '; ‘we played great defense but no offense'; ‘we are starting a team full of grit, but short on talent'; ‘something's amiss in the coaching'; ‘Badji/Torres/Solignac/Doyle aren't getting it done'; ‘Pablo is starting Powers/Watts/Sarvas in the wrong position'. I can't write that again. I've got nothing left to write.


(Rapids first and only goal, 40', Powers)


Huh. That's nice.


Anyhow. What am I gonna write here again?


I know! I'll rank my favorite South American countries. And put Argentina last. Because of Solignac, Pittinari, and Ramirez. That's classic.


1. Uruguay

2. All the other countries

3. Argentina

(Thinks it over.)


Meh.


Maybe I'll start breaking down which players are on the hot seat for a spot for next year.


Hmm. Too many games left to play. Also, waaaaay too many players on that list. Like, all of them.


Maybe I'll just make a turkey sandwich.


(makes a turkey sandwich)


Maybe I'll just string together exasperated twitter comments.


(Game ends. Reads John Rosch's article.)


Dammit.


Alright. Whatever. I'll write a thing and post Neil Diamond's Kol Nidre scene from ‘The Jazz Singer'. Anything I do will still be better than that game.


Happy Yom Kippur, everyone.