Welcome aboard for another whiskey fueled article about our Beloved Colorado Rapids! Papa Bear has been hitting the sauce since he got off work, (Three Cheers for Chick-Fil-A cups being the best roadie cups ever made!) so you're going to get some quality writing this time.
Today's list is inspired by all the Buzzfeed articles out there, and today I will examine the ten reasons why we should give a whole ratatouille about this year's Rocky Mountain cup against our cherished rivals, Salt lake City.
# 8. Holy Shitsnacks, you were being serious?
# 7. Oh, OK. Um, because it's the RMC?
# 6. No.
# 5. Because it's Fake Salt Lake? Screw those guys, amirite?
# 4. Try again.
# 3. It matters dammit!! It saves our season! (Right?)
# 2. Nope
# 1. RAPIDSRAPIDSRAPIDSRAPIDS!!!!!
There you have it, the definitive list of why we should care. So let's get the accusation/fact that I'm not a True Supporter out of the way now for not giving a damn about it this year. Good, now you've got that out of your system, let's discuss. (And I even promise not to bring up the fact that the record stands at 7-3 RSL)
First off, there is nothing that can be gained out of this game as far as tables go. We're not making the playoffs, we're a full four points behind our closest contender (RSL as it so happens to be) who also has only a 2% more chance of making the playoffs bringing the grand total of their chance of making the playoffs to...3%. (Thanks MLS Stats Person) We've scored the least number of goals in the entire MLS, and are the only team with double digits in our draw column. At this point, it would take His Royal Highness Don Garber playing Houdini and pulling a playoff spot out of his Ass for us to salvage this season. So, with nothing to be gained from the tables, nothing to be gained with a win, and utter uselessness of any points gained advancing our standing, what's the next reason we should care?
I was going to post a dumpster fire photo, but this is more accurate of the past two seasons.
Oh, right, something called Pride or The Rivalry. If you want to believe in that at this point, I've got a boxful of Left Handed Monkey Wrenches to sell ya. The Rapids FO has done nothing but pump up this thing up into obscene levels in a pretty transparent attempt to stave off criticism. The fact is, they don't care about how the Supporters feel about the Cup. This is merely Bread and Circuses for the Mob, and you shouldn't let the pageantry blind you.
There is an old joke down South about football coaches that beat their rivals and lose every game keep their jobs; but ask yourself, are you really satisfied being at the bottom of the barrel and only beating Fake Salt Lake every year? Are you really supporting this team if that's all you care about?
What part of any of their social media or interactions with fans have involved the Supporters? In something that only matters to the Supporters between two clubs, shouldn't they be engaging this very same base which is the only one who really give a flying *CENSORED* about this damn thing? Up until today, nothing was said involving supporters, but finally a throwaway reference today to the largest of the supporters groups, C38, having any sort of event. That's not the sign of an FO that is engaged with their Supporters. Instead, the importance of this rivalry and "trophy" has been snatched from the Supporters, the very CREATORS of this intimate moment between two clubs in a lame attempt to recoup flagging support.
OOOOH! SHINY THING!!!1!!!11!!!
The Rapids want you to buy into the "All is Well, Pay no Attention to the Man Behind the Curtain" theory of running a club. That's why this hasn't been marketed to the Supporters whom they know are unhappy. They know that they do not have our confidence, and they know that they are a razor's edge from losing all of it. They're hoping they can whip the families into excitement over something they have no interest in and distract them with something shiny. The Rapids FO is still stuck with the idea that free tickets given to families who are already at "The Richard" (dry heave) for their kids soccer games, that now have a convenient excuse to not go home yet with hyperavtive minions in tow are what generates revenue and support. If they can get a few photos of our guys hoisting a trophy, they hope that everyone will forget the rest of the season. (While probably hoping that Pablo doesn't repeat his pant stuffing shenanigans of 2006's RMC victory.)
Many Bothans died to bring this Pablo footage to us from KSE
For the Supporters, the Rapids hope they will all roll over and stop with the rumblings by casting a few paltry crumbs their way; "But at least we beat Salt Lake! The RMC is OURS!!" (No it's not, it's the Supporters' Trophy, not yours KSE; now, rack off.)
For the Rest, the Rapids hope that when this season is over with, no one remembers what utter shit it was because, Hey, The Kids had a good time seeing Edson and Franz. (Btw, has anyone seen Jorge recently? That bastard stole some of my bourbon last match.)
Artist's Impression. Approach with caution; do not be fooled by cuddly looks. Known thief and travels with large plant
All this aside, this isn't saying don't support the players. Absolutely you should give your all support to King Clint Irwin The Mighty. Single handedly this man has given us something remotely looking like a shred of Hope. 100% you should yell encouragement for our Goal Scorers (wherever they are) in the hopes that they find the net; maybe they can use our screams as some sort of echolocation to get to the net. (It's the only thing that we haven't tried this season) Maybe we can yell our encouragement for the Back Line, in the hopes that they will take our tactical offerings to heart and be able to mark the opposition in the box. Well, maybe that's reaching; forget about the back line.
@$#% the Offside Trap, just stand in front of them you useless apes!!
Above all though, don't give two shits about the Rocky Mountain Cup. Don't buy into the hype, and don't give the Rapids FO what they want. Keep your attention on the players, not useless pieces of tin.