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Burgundy Wave LongForm: Saving Andrew Wiebe--A One Act Play

Can Wiebe be saved? Read on to find out!

Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

Saving Andrew Wiebe: One-act play.

Andrew! Hey man, you in there?

(Knocking)

C'mon man, open up! I just wanna talk!

.....................

I can hear you in there! Are you watching old episodes of MLS Now?

(Knocking anteceded by Knocking)

What's that? Absolutely man! I can totally wait for you to put on your robe. HA! That's great, I love Saltine crackers too!

(Minutes later)

Hey man, didn't think you'd answer. I'm just glad you're all right! Phew!

.......................

Nice robe, what kind of material is that? Silk? Sorry I didn't mean to cross into your personal space there, it's just that I don't see many people lounging around in silk these days. As a matter of fact I used to wear silk shirts in junior high all the time, still would I suppose. No way?! You did too?! Nice bro!

Whaddya you got there? Pudding cup? Nice. What flavor? Butterscotch? I didn't take you for the butterscotch type? I had you pegged for Tapioca. I've always hated the taste of those little rubbery Tapioca balls. Gross! Yuck! Ka-Pow! Splat. Ooof! Dong.

.....................

Why in Sam Hill am I at your door? Well...a few people were concerned about you, we drew straws, and well, here I am. Simple as that. HAHA! HA...  ha...

My name? It's Todd - I'm right there with you boss - I'm not a fan of it either, but what can you do right? Midwestern parents, am I right? Hey-o! Neither of em' thought kids in school would make fun of it...boy were they drunk on love!

......................

Slow down there Hoss! HAHA! HA...  ha... You must really like pudding!

Yes I'll get down to it...but hey, quick question. Do you have any extra pudding cups per chance? No? that's cool. I completely get it. I only have four spoons in my place.

So yeah, the reason I was wrapping on your door so late was because someone called in a welfare check.

Yes on you!

Yes I'm being serious!

No, I will not get out of here!

I'm sorry Andrew, but I can't tell you that, it's privileged information. No Firchau didn't put me up to this. Or Borg. Or Gass.

Doyle? I heard he's allergic to the sun! You liked that one, huh?

(Andrew proceeds to sit down in the hall where our conversation would continue on for quite sometime - only one person had to step over him)

Could you stop eating your pudding like that? It's kind of gross. And while we're at it, while I grasp the purpose of a bathrobe, at bare minimum you could have at least put on something underneath!

...............

Seriously man you had the American Outlaws thinking you were gonna jump ship to Pancho Villa's Army!

.................

Listen man! Snap out of it already! No goalkeeper on this planet could have re-directed Aguilar's majestic stroke into the direction of some loose fisted, piss warm Pacifico. It was manifest destiny!

What did you say?

What the fuck are you even talking about right now? Have you been drinking?

You have...

I have no idea if they baptize their babies with Tecate or Corona? We're getting off track here. Focus Andrew! Focus.

How many fingers am I holding up?      ...Close enough...

We all know that Mexico deserved to win that game! And I know that you know that, but for Paul Caligiuri's sake, it doesn't mean that you go covering yourself up with a turncoat, or in this case a silk Kimono like some Geisha girl! Am I right?

That was probably a little over the top. Let me reel it back in.

................

You want me to do what for you? FINE!

(Bravely I venture inside Andrew's apartment per his request. I'm to retrieve another stack of Saltines, and a Gatorade that's been sitting out for a while...a long while)

Christ man! Does the saying, Hogs at the Trough mean anything to you? You got barnyard orchids growing in there!

..................

Drink up! There you go! Good job...Good job buddy.

....................

Listen Andrew, we need to talk. You really threw people off third base last week...

What do I mean? Last week during Extra Time Radio, you and Gass and Doyle were having a conniption fit about Klinsmann...yet again.

Let me finish!!      ...I said LET ME FINISH!

We're not hating on Jurgen right now. ENOUGH! Now is not the time. I'm sure you guys have an entire department just for that.

Andrew, I guess what it boils down to is this...life isn't fair...just ask Mexico's best and brightest...or Freddy Adu...or Pablo Mastroeni...or Andrew Wenger...or Benny Feilhaber...or Ted Westervelt... You'll probably connect those dots tomorrow.

Andrew please focus for me. Let's not worry about him right now. Jurgen's goose is probably cooked, it'll probably be quite succulent too.

ANDREW!!!!!!

LET ME FINISH ANDREW!!!

......................

Here give me those fucking Saltines. You and your weak hands!

Let me have the crackers Andrew! Give me the crackers Andrew!

All I'm gonna do is open them for you, then I'll give them right back. I swear I won't take one Saltine from the stack!

Look up at me. Up for just one second. C'mon.

Nope. You're in the clear. Lips are not red. I agree, Gatorade has the habit of doing that!

.......................

What did you do?

It's not what you did per se, it's what you said Andrew. You guys were shooting the shit on the latest pod - the narrative - the buzz before the big playoff game with Mexico was more about Klinsmann's weight of personality than it was about the U.S. Men's team, or the U.S. players, or tactics. Then you compared Jurgen to the Special One, and his sociopathic mind games.

Yes you did Andrew. Actually because I knew you'd argue with me, I listened back and quoted you.

Sill don't believe me?

You want me to read it back to you?

Will do...

"We're not talking about Michael Bradley, were not talking about, (then you kind of garbled a little bit here) hey if he doesn't have a more productive, you know, CONCACAF Cup or Gold Cup than he did at the World Cup - what's wrong with Michael Bradley? Should he (Michael) be the captain? Should he be the guy that you build your attack around? We're not talking about that.

Which, if I'm being honest Andrew, you guys should probably pick up the pace on this type of stuff - digging into other things besides Jurgen.

..................

C'mon now Wiebe! Quit the confab! Don't go blaming you journalistic integrities on Ms. Bonnetta's eyes! 

Let me finish what you said!

"We're talking about Jurgen Klinsmann and it seems to dominate everything that's happening with the U.S. right now. And I'm with you, it's frustrating, it makes it, it makes it less of an inspiring thing, for me both as a, and I'm gonna say, as a former fan because I don't feel the same, you know, I don't feel the same investment that I did before I got into this whole soccer journalism game here, I just don't. I'm more of a detached, removed person. But do you guys feel that? Does it feel that way? Or is this kind of an unintentional by-product that's come from his (Jurgen) weight of personality?"

......................

Andrew! Andrew! Hey! Open your eyes!

(Lots of hand clapping at this point - then I put my finger under his nose to see if he was still breathing)

.......................

Hey there Tiger! There he is! Hey Andrew! Biiiig Yawn! Let it out!

........................

Yes I'll let you have the floor. Yes you can stay seated. Go ahead...

.......................

Stop deflecting Andrew. This is about you, nobody else. We're not gonna go there, we're not gonna talk about Matt Doyle's comments. Ok fine, maybe there are ignorant U.S. supporters that make up a certain percentage of the fan base, but that's normal, that's anywhere - just look at Chelsea or Manchester United - especially here in America.

Ha! Nice burn!

And for the record, I agree with you, there are those who come to Klinsmann's aid at the drop of a twisted tweet.

Oh bless your heart. I highly doubt that it's THAT high of a percentage!

Ok, yes, you're right, I'll let you finish.

........................

I'm not mad at you Andrew. You seem like a jovial, easy to talk to kind of guy. I'm just disappointed. Comments like Former Fan will only serve to discredit you in the future, especially when the getting is good!

You're asking what I thought about your comments? Didn't I kind of already answer that?

Fine. I will.

Your comments...to be honest, they sounded, kind of ignorant. American soccer fans over the past few decades have had to cross over shit-mountain and several molehills just to be able to watch their national team play on TV. As a supporter we should feel fortunate that the fan base is growing. Don't let one German sway any hope or pride that you have for your country! Or the team!

I agree there is a lot of work to be done! That's why I'm here. To get you up off your bum.

Remember this Andrew! U.S. Soccer is treading on thin ice. There's Single entity vs. Promotion/Relegation. NCAA mentality. Homegrown contracts. Rookie contracts in MLS that are laughable. Not to forget the relationship between Soccer United Marketing and MLS. Chuck Blazer's pussies also come to mind. Then there's Crossfire Premier taking USSF to court to collect on Yedlin's transfer. NASL hitting the glass ceiling. Traffic Sports. FIFA corruption. CONCACAF corruption. Jack Warner's delusional.....

SOOOOO much more!

.........................

You got awfully quiet Andrew. Did Chuck Blazer's pussies scratch your tongue?

.........................

What do I think you need to do?

First thing you'll need to do is apologize to Lady Liberty. HA! Very funny. No not Ann Coulter, remember she's the enemy Andrew. Don't be such an ignoramus.

IGNORAMUS...    ...Never mind.

.........................

You're tired? Yeah me too.

Actually...I don't find that to be too unreasonable of a request. C'mon, take my hand. Let's go tuck you in.

Apology accepted bud.

(The End)