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BREAKING: Every Single Rapids Player Injured In Separate Grain Thresher Incidents

Every single player on the Colorado Rapids is injured thanks to a bizarre set of circumstances that involved all the players getting tangled with separate grain threshers, all at the same time.

Just be glad this is the only part of the picture we're showing, seriously
Just be glad this is the only part of the picture we're showing, seriously
Winslow Townson

In a bizarre turn of events, the entire Colorado Rapids squad has been announced as injured prior to the game on Saturday against the Portland Timbers thanks to over 30 separate grain thresher incidents happening at the home of every player at the exact same time.

Oscar Pareja was baffled by the scenario, saying, "To be honest, I didn't even know there even were that many grain threshers in Colorado. Aren't we a little far away from that whole 'bread basket' thing?"

Because of the injury issues, the Rapids are expected to tape jerseys onto a batch of bags of sand and throw them onto the field against the Portland Timbers on Sunday, with a scarecrow from a farm out near Sterling playing in goal. (The scarecrow will be wearing No. 2 for the match, as the bag of sand to be thrown near the left back spot has requested the No. 1 jersey normally worn by the keeper.)

When asked for comment, Timbers manager Caleb Porter said, "I think we have a real chance to only give up two goals this time."