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My completely fabricated interview with Claudio Lopez

What with people like Craig of God, Country, Soccer getting interviews with pretty cool guys like Julien Baudet, Burgundy Wave felt a little bit left out. So, using completely realistic sounding means (read: Google translator, a fabricated ability to read Spanish and a sizable dose of alcohol) I concocted a wonderful interview with Claudio Lopez that I totally did in real life.

I like to think it's what he would have said anyway. Translations are below. Be warned, they're slightly NSFW if you're reading them aloud.

UZ: So, Mr. El Piojo-

Claudio: Por favor, llámame Claudio. *

UZ: Oh, all right, Mr. Claudio. How are you enjoying Colorado so far?

Es la mierda toda de madera que tienen que sentarse en cada partido? Porque eso es lo que parece. Ah, y las montañas son un poco demasiado bonita, aunque un poco más difícil respirar a cabo aquí con el aire más delgado. No le digas a Gary Smith me dijo eso, me bloqueo en el sótano de nuevo como lo hizo para todos los otros juegos porque él piensa que soy demasiado viejo para jugar más de 3 minutos por partido. **

UZ: All right, I'll keep it a secret. Do you not like coach Smith then?

Me gustaría considerar que imposible entender la cabeza Inglés de su derecho de su cuerpo poco flaca y cohetes que en la red desde 30 metros sólo para mostrarle que hay alguien en el equipo que realmente sabe cómo hacer eso sin perder la red como es la parte ancha de un granero. ¿Eso responde a tu pregunta?

UZ: Yeah, his head is pretty round so that'd probably work. How long do you think it will take before you score your first goal as a Rapid?

Claudio: Bueno, yo dudo que seguiré jugando en el 2015 por lo que probablemente nunca en la tasa va esto. ****

UZ: Sounds good, Claudio. Thanks for your time.

Claudio: Coma mi polla.*****

* Please, call me Claudio.

** Is the entire fucking thing made of wood that I have to sit on every single game? Because that's what it seems like. Oh, and the mountains are kind of pretty too, even though it's slightly harder to breathe out here with the thinner air. Don't tell Gary Smith I said that, he'll lock me in the basement again like he did for all those other games because he thinks I'm too old to play more than 3 minutes a game.

*** I would like to take that impossible to understand English head of his right off his scrawny little body and rocket it into the net from 30 yards out just to show him there's someone on the team who actually knows how to do that without missing the net like it's the broad side of a barn. Does that answer your question?

**** Well considering I probably won't be playing in 2015, probably never at this rate.

***** Eat my dick.